Dust
by demena4president
Summary: "When she comes back, I'll never forgive her, but I will. That's how our relationship worked. She'll just brush off the fact that she vanished from the face of the earth, I'll punch her in the shoulder, and then we'll go back to normal. I smile at the thought. But I cry at reality." Oneshot


**I was trying to sleep and this came into my head and I couldn't resist…I'm sorry I disappeared, I'm just having a hard time with… well, a LOT of stuff and I needed to write this to clear my head… **

**Part One: **_**Thoughts**_

It's like we're all trying to be different. Everyone is making an attempt to stand out—be their own person. The thing is, I don't know if I can stand all of this anymore. The raging frenzy for attention and respect that ends up bending lines and wearing down laws set in stone. Actions, clothes, words… everything is meant to be eye-catching. The only problem with that: some people are trying _too _hard. They need attention, so they do things that hurt. They do things that leave people in pieces, completely lost and wondering where things went wrong. People like me.

Attention can kill. The pure _need _for it drives some to do things completely against a standard. A moral. However, it can also kill by leaving a gap in someone's life. Was this what went wrong? Did she really need all of that attention, or was I not enough for her? Were the other people in her life not enough?

I don't let myself think about it all that much. The buzz of the light above my head is the only sound in my room. The world seems to think I need silence to go over everything that's happened, but I don't think I will. I think I'll continue trying to push her out of my mind, because I will only drive myself crazy if I think about her too much. I'm still in _high school_, I shouldn't have to be wondering if I'll ever see my best friend again.

Of course, she didn't just leave to make me suffer. She didn't leave to simply prove a point, or receive a lot of attention… did she? She never seemed like the type who would do such a thing, but what other reason is there? She was surrounded by people who loved her. She had always seen so happy. I know it's crazy to still be contemplating this. It's been nearly a year since she vanished.

Wide awake, I stare at my ceiling, finding patterns in the textured bumps and dips. There's no chance of sleep. I shove thoughts of her to the back of my mind, but they do not vanish there. They simply loiter, making it hard to focus on anything. I feel her smile. I _feel _it. It's like she's with me still… like she never left.

So I try so hard to forget his girl who was my world, but the thoughts linger.

**Part Two: **_**Words**_

__I can still hear her laughter ringing in my ears, but it's fading. The time is finally catching up to me, and I realize she never even said goodbye. Of course, she said so many other things that I remember. The conversations we used to have… I never really forgot them. They're still tucked in my brain, where I can rifle through them and laugh or cry at any moment. From word one and beyond.

She really did mean something to me. I realize that now. When she was here, I was just messing around. Neither of us really thought too deeply of our relationship. We were just messing around, we were young, and I thought we would have a lot more time together. I didn't know that we only had so long. If I had, things would have been a lot more different.

Whenever I'm making a decision, I can hear her giving me advice. Her opinions and frequently used phrases have never left, even if she did herself. I can close my eyes and have a conversation with her.

She always had this annoying optimism that drove me crazy, but also helped me through everything. It didn't matter if she was chin deep in some sort of situation that she barely had any chance of getting out of, she would smile and manage to look at the bright side of things. If the world ended, she would find something good about it.

The sad thoughts that go through my head are beat down by the memory of her happy words. Her promises and her smiles and her encouragement… it's difficult to think of anything else. Everyone tells me that she was depressed on the inside… that that was what made her leave. She was too broken to stay. Only a small part deep within me sees the truth in their words.

How could someone so happy be so sad?

But that's the thing. Everyone is sad somewhere. I was just too naïve to comprehend it at the time she was still here, and it drives me crazy with the possibility I could have stopped her. I could have made her stay.

The people at my school don't talk about her. They give me pity glances and avoid her old locker. Sometimes you can hear her name whispered, but maybe that's just my imagination. Part of me is always looking for her in the hallways, ready to catch up on the latest news. My throat closes when I remind myself that she won't be here.

If I close my eyes tightly and ignore everything around me, I can hear her footsteps coming towards me… her laughter…. the typical "how ya doin'?" she always used as a greeting. Her hand on my shoulder, her breath on my ear…

My parents worried. They told me I needed to find a new friend, but I simply walked away. I haven't spoken since she left. The only conversations I have are the ones in my head, with her. Her smile weaves into my thoughts, making everything hazy. I might be going crazy. I don't care. Maybe if I do lose my mind, I won't have to think about her anymore.

I laugh in disbelief at myself quietly. That will never happen.

My eyes are beginning to droop, but I know they won't fully close until I do what I've been doing since she left. I get down from my bed and make my way to the living room, taking quiet steps. The living room is almost eerie, with the moon casting strange shadow patterns from the window. I know someone's behind me; they always come to watch.

The piano is only a few steps away. Sitting down, I crack my knuckles and begin to play:

_Don't leave me, I need you, you left me_

_ I loved you, yet now I am empty_

_ Where are you? _

_ Where are you?_

_ Don't disappear_

_ I want you here_

_ Where are you?_

_ Where are you?_

_ I hear your voice inside my head_

_ I wish it was from you instead_

_ I need to sleep, my dreams are dead_

_ I look for the sun but the sky is red_

_ Where are you?_

_ Oh, where are you? _

"Do you think we need to send her to a counselor?" my mother whispers in hushed tones to my father from behind me, right where I knew they were.

She's been asking the same question since the first night I sang the song.

I get up from the bench and walk past them, not daring to look at their worried faces. With a blank gaze, I walk back to my room and close my eyes, sleep coming instantly.

**Part Three: **_Dreams_

I know the dream I'm going to have the second sleep comes over me. Sure enough, when I look around, I'm in the coffee house. And there you are, in the line, waiting to get us both some frappes. Your hair is curled today, I always observe. You have some slightly smudged mascara from earlier that day from when Stacy Evens made you cry and I punched her. It was October 2nd, the day before you left.

This dream is more like a nightmare by now. I've had it almost every night since you disappeared. I always do the same thing.

Standing up from my sitting position, I walk over to the line, against my own will. You turn and look at me, chocolate eyes sparkling and half of your mouth quirked up in a crazy half smile.

"We'll lose our places," you half-scold me. I just stare at you.

The torture of this dream is that I am never able to talk. You laugh and continue on as if I actually am carrying a conversation, but in reality I am saying nothing, because I can't. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. It is the horror of this dream; the thing that plagues me during the day as I remember.

Remember the overbearing silence.

And even when I accept I cannot talk, the dream still makes me want to scream. You are right there, but when I wake up, you are gone. I cannot reach out to you and take you into my reality, despite all the times I have tried. And it hurts every night, it hurts so much I don't even want to breathe in fear my heart will explode. You stand _right there_, so close but so, _so_ out of reach and the feeling is indescribable.

It's as if I am standing in the middle of a huge bonfire, just watching myself in a mirror as I get burned alive. It's like I'm being struck by lightning as I drown. It's like… It's like there's something inside me that's eating me alive, and I can feel it but I can't do anything about it.

Like every time, I try to wake myself up. I grab the hot coffee from the hand of an elderly woman and pour it over my face. You just continue to stare at me and talk, and laugh, and I can't treasure the moment because it will only make me miss you more when I wake up. I can't keep living this moment over and over… or can I? Maybe I'll live the rest of my life singing that song, dreaming this dream, and dying inside.

Finally I'm able to wake up, and it doesn't surprise me to find the pillow stained with tears.

**Part Four: **_Excuses_

Whenever someone asks me about her, I can't bring myself to tell the truth.

"She moved."

"Died in a car crash."

"The craziness of high school made her switch to online school."

Did she realize all of the excuses I would have to make in her absence if… I mean _until_ she returns.

That's what I've decided. I can't let her go so I'm going to keep clinging to the nearly impossible hope that she'll come back to me. That she just went to take a break from reality to clear her head.

Everyone besides me thinks she's dead. My parents and her parents had a quiet discussion about her suicide in my living room when they thought I wasn't listening. I didn't even stop to consider it. She would never do such a thing… right? People can be sad, but not _that_ sad. Suicide was just an easy way out… a choice that she would never make. She was known for sticking to things, even when things got hard. She was always just _so_ optimistic and hopeful about life.

I was running out of excuses, though.

"She was eaten by a rabid dog."

"A kidnapper got a hold of her."

"Her parents hide her in the basement."

Things were getting ridiculous. But no matter how crazy or even funny my reasonings became, I would always end up crying. The people who had asked would give me strange looks, or ask "why are you sad if she just moved away?" I can't answer them.

I don't think I'll ever be able to.

When she comes back, I'll never forgive her, but I will. That's how our relationship worked… I mean works. She'll just brush off the fact that she vanished from the face of the earth, I'll punch her in the shoulder, and then we'll go back to normal.

I smile at the thought.

But I cry at reality.

She's not coming back. I'll miss her forever, but that won't change facts. I need to wake up, and move on. But _I can't_.

She was my world, and now that my world is gone, I have nothing left to stand on but dust.


End file.
